Sometimes....It Just Doesn't Pay to Be Me

Recently, the place where I work (on occasion) moved its store. That move from one location closing and packin’ up to the new location unpackin’ and reopening took a week. During that transition week, the store was closed. Not that being closed stopped some folks from droppin’ into the fray to ask “just a little question”….I’m just sayin’.

Not being one to be rude to a customer on purpose, I POLITELY spoke to a lady when she walked into the store that we weren’t opened just yet, but that the next day was the big day for us to reopen. I think her words were exactly, “I can’t wait. I need someone to help me figure out why this border (on a quilt top) is not working.” She proceeds to plop a hand-drawn quilt pattern down on the cutting table where I was working and says, “I just don’t know why this border has a gap in it.”

I was pretty sure from the get-go that the problem was that she drew a pattern on the graph paper that didn’t represent a scale to her actual measurements. What I mean, is that 3 squares on the graph paper didn’t mean 3 inches on fabric AND that whatever she cut the fabric wasn’t divisible by 3 like it should have been. In fact, not only was her matheration wrong, this lady most likely cut wrong too! I know this because I gently suggested that perhaps she miscut.

“I know I did not cut it wrong. I measure very carefully and I KNOW I cut it right! I cut each piece out and know I cut the triangles out correctly,” says the expert quilter that had to crash an unopened quilt store because she needed help.

“You mean you cut out the triangles instead of making half-square triangles from square?” says me.

“Yes. I prefer to sew quilts that way,” Miss Quilter of the Year says.

“I’m wondering…..did you remember to add 7/8 of an inch to your squares before you cut them on the diagonal?” I cautiously ask. I can’t remember her words because the situation took a downhill turn very rapidly from there.

Miss QOY went off on me about how she knew how to quilt. She knew how to cut. She knew that she hadn’t made any mistakes. She just needed to make this quilt border fit the quilt center. I’m thinkin’, “Good luck with that!” But I say instead, “Do you have the quilt with you?”

“No, I didn’t bring it with me because I know I didn’t make any mistakes,” says Miss Quilt Perfect. God shined His grace upon me at that moment and sent His personality angels to put a choke hold on my tongue because I simply responded, “I can’t really help you anymore. I’m one of those quilters that has to look and touch it to get it done.” Ignorant me.

God continued to show mercy because He infiltrated that woman’s good sense. She decided that I wasn’t gonna be able to measure up to her level of expertise. She told me she would figure out how to make it work….thank me very much.

Thank goodness and all things that are right that that little comeuppance (for me) happened at the end of the day. There wasn’t enough of my more than hide left to take on another crasher that day.

The very next day was opening day at the new store. It was such an exciting and hectic day. Things were rockin’ along really well until THE WALMART LADY.

The WML brought her Walmart Husband with her on this particular occasion.  A tag-team effort...Oh, boy!

It just so happens that The WML had secured three of the tackiest (IMHO) nursery panels from the fabric department of the Walmart in the dinkiest town south of the Oklahoma border. These panels were designed to be cut apart and made into soft books for toddlers. I’m feelin’ a twinge of remorse for talkin’ trash about these panels since the particular one I was helpin’ her find fabric to match was a series of children’s prayers.

See what I mean. Not exactly somethin’ THIS old gal is gonna send for a baby gift. Go ahead, call me a gift snob. My theory is that if I’m gonna take time to make it, it’s gonna be fabulous and not made from flammable fabric from Bangledesh. It was obvious that The WML didn’t subscribe to the same theory. I can live with that.

The problem came when she asked for help figurin’ out how much fabric she needed to buy to make a quilt out of the book pages. She had two panels with 12 book paghes on each panel. She needed to double some of the pages to get 20 blocks to make this quilt. I walk into the classroom with WML where she has conveniently spread this accumulation of Walmart worthiness across two tables. Yep, I was thinkin’, “Oh, MY! This isn’t goin’ to be quick.”

I did all the matheratin’ for her. I told her one yard would be plenty to get a two-inch sashing around each block. The WML looked at me and said, “Are you sure? My friend got a yard to do hers and she barely had enough.” I told her that she could get a yard and a quarter to be on the safe side.

“I don’t see how,” says the WML. At this juncture in this little quiltin’ tutorial, she takes hold of my materatin’ paper and scoots it across the tacky prayer panel.

WH pipes up, “Darlin’, you asked her for help. She’s tellin’ you what you need.”

I took the opportunity to avoid a domestic argument in a quilt store full of folk to explain further. I started drawin’ a picture of what she told me she wanted to do. Keep in mind that the matheratin’ scratch paper was on top of the prayer panel on top of the table. As I was drawin’ the border on the quilt picture, the worst thing happened.

My pen took a detour off the matheratin’ scratch paper and left its mark on the tacky Walmart prayer panel. I gasped. The WML said, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

I responded with , “Yes, ‘mam. I shouldn’t have. I’ll make it right. I’ll go to the Walmart (in the dinkiest town just south of the Oklahoma border) and buy a replacement. If you will give me your address, I will deliver it to you tonight or in the morning.”

“What if they don’t have anymore?” WML challenges me.

“I’ll find one somewhere. I promise you,” I managed to confidently eek out.

WML continues to whip me. She berates me in all her triple-knit glory so badly that WH says to her, “She didn’t do it on purpose.”

The wrath of The WML goes on and on so badly that a customer perusing the books in the classroom mentioned my metaphorical water boarding to another employee. Soon the rally to extradite me from polyester torture was on. One employee (and true comrade) hustled to the local Walmart. She was able to find the exact panel for a whopping $3.96 for all its Third World splendor. Another employee jumped on Google to search a method for ball point ink removal on fabric. This quilting colleague rushed to the neighboring box pharmacy to grab a can of aerosol hairspray as prescribed by Google. She races back to the store to grab the offended, yet oh-so-revered Golden Book of Prayers panel. A short time later, the insulting ballpoint ink was gone from the fabric. Meanwhile, the first buddy returned with a newly purchased panel.

Fortunately, by the time all these convergent remedies for my survival happened, the WML was standing in the checkout line. She was grateful to receive the new panel, not because someone took the time to track another one down for her. The reason she was glad “we” found a new panel was because “that hairspray stuff took some of the color out of the material.”

Oddly enough the WML returned the next week to get fabric to make another ugly quilt out of the same panel. No wonder, she had an extra.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to be me. Because it's the season of  love and to makeup for my current distaste of most things Walmart, I am offering for Lupelotto two makeup zip pouches (in seasonally appropriate colors). Also included is a $10 Walmart gift card.

To hit the jackpot, leave a three word response to my knack for attracting the creatively diverse and craftily ignorant.  Drawing will be held on Monday, February 22.  Winner will be announced shortly there after.

Next post will be another doozy.....Where I Come From.